The Beer Shits generally occur the morning after a night of beer guzzling, but can show up as early as one hour after the ingestion of a single beer. In this blog entry I am going to enumerate the stages of the beer shits. This knowledge will not only help you make informed decisions about drinking, it will also give you the proper terminology to use when it comes time to complain to your fellow partiers the morning after a wild night.
The Beer Shits
Stage One: Explosive Liquid Death
Stage One of the Beer Shits is characterized by an explosive stool that usually holds the same properties of the beer you drank the night before--it is entirely made up of liquid, is translucent, and ranges in coloring from the deep coffee-color of Guiness Lager, to the nearly clear yellowish-brown of Natty Light. Stage one of the Beer Shits is generally accompanied by an intense burning feeling in and around the anus. Imagine wiping your butt with pure rubbing alcohol, or rather excreting pure rubbing alcohol--this is the type of sensation you can expect. Most likely if you are at this stage of the Beer Shits, you are still slightly intoxicated.Stage Two: The Shredded Cheese Anomoly
Stage Two of the Beer Shits is characterized by by a runny, heterogeneous mixture of what appears to be various types of shredded cheese in a solution of muddy river water. Although this stage is slightly less painful than stage one of the Beer Shits, it is often accompanied by nausea or vomiting. This stage generally occurs at the transition point from still being drunk to becoming hung-over. It doesn't help your nausea that this stage of the Beer Shits generally smells like two day old skunk road kill during a record breaking heatwave. It also leads you to wonder what in the hell you ate the night before that could possibly create such a strange type of poo.Stage Three: Fluffy Balls of Cotton
Stage Three of the Beer Shits is characterized by a poo that is super soft. This is the first stage of the Beer Shits in which the consistency of the poo is uniform. However, this stage is also usually accompanied by a great deal of bloating and gas, which leads your super-malleable shit to become highly aerated. This stage of the Beer Shits not only resembles the fluffy stuffing with which your favorite teddy bear is filled, it also floats like an empty transport barge and usually takes about 4 or 5 flushes before all of it finally goes down.Stage Four: Dried Play-dough Sculptures
Stage Four of the Beer Shits is characterized by an extremely hard, painful grouping of smallish, strangely shaped turds. At this point in your hangover, nausea and vomiting have passed, you may still have a little bit of a headache, but mostly you are extremely thirsty and dehydrated. This Stage of the Beer Shits makes you wonder if you broke into a Pre-school building the night before and followed through on a dare to swallow as many of the dried out Pre-school Play-dough sculptures as you could. The cool part about this stage is that if you are lucky enough to poop out something that resembles the Virgin Mary, you can potentially rescue it from the bowl before it gets soft and auction it off on E-Bay to the highest bidder!Stage Five: The Melted Chocolate Bar
The Fifth and final Stage of the Beer Shits occurs as your hang-over begins to pass and your body starts to get back to its normal proceedings. This stage of the Beers Shits is the most common, as pretty much everyone experiences this stage after drinking any amount of beer. This Stage is very similar to a normal soft stool, except that instead of just being soft all over, it is a normal turd in the middle, and gets runnier towards the outside of the poo, much like a chocolate bar that has been left out in the sun just a little bit too long.The Stages of the Beer Shits do generally occur in this order, but depending on the amount of beer ingested, can begin at any of the stages after Stage One. The Beer Shits can also be skewed and slightly altered if the person drinks liquor along with their beer (as this can make them skip Stage Three entirely). For more info on the Beer Shits, or to put in your two cents, please post questions and comments below!
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